Category: in the kitchen

guacamole boris karloff

On By Emily KeithIn ephemera, fancypants, in the kitchen, libations, new to me, new to you, unsolicited adviceLeave a comment

Earlier this week the following recipe was tweeted, tumblred, messageboarded, mocked, revered, and discussed:

speaking to all mortals from beyond the grave
speaking to all mortals from beyond the grave

According to this unsourced and undated article Mr. Pratt had a fondness for the spice of life: the zip of chili, the slick of avocado. I kept my eye out for someone, anyone, who would build the monster and bring this recipe to life. I found one individual who stocked up on the ingredients but forgot the Sherry, he never reported back…

I’d like to welcome Boris Karloff to my food diary. Let’s do this right.

The brain you stole, Fritz. Think of it. The brain of a dead man waiting to live again in a body I made with my own hands!
The brain you stole, Fritz. Think of it. The brain of a dead man waiting to live again in a body I made with my own hands!

The elephant in this recipe is Sherry, a white grape extraction. Fortified hooch. According to the modern internet very few of you know what Sherry is, you’ve never tried it and you are damn near horrified to see it listed among guacamole ingredients.

Have a heart. Sherry is delicious.

A bad Sherry (I won’t name names) is really sweet and sort of tastes like a caramel coated peanut shell. A decent Sherry tastes like almonds and cherry blossoms. I consider Hartley and Gibson’s Amontillado a decent Sherry. A GREAT Sherry (Valdespino) tastes like sunshine and marconas, like smiling at your true love in the middle of a crowded street in Seville.

I knew Boris was up to something really special with the Sherry inclusion.

the mash
the monster mash
a fine chop on the tomato
a fine chop on the tomato
minced onion
minced onion
a tablespoon of this
a tablespoon of this
a tablespoon of that
a tablespoon of that
two tablespoons of this glorious hue
this glorious hue
The brain which was stolen from my laboratory was a *criminal* brain.
The brain which was stolen from my laboratory was a *criminal* brain.

Here’s what happens; the resulting “sauce” is super shiny, very lovely to behold. The Sherry brings out a pronounced nutty (think Macadamia) oily-ness from the avocado. I refuse to lie to you, the booze in this dish is evident on the palate…it’s a British recipe, what in the bloody hell do you want from me?

Yet there is a delicate balance to Boris’s creation that you will enjoy. Tastes like two feet in a split across time and culture. You have to try this for yourself.

I wasn’t content with dipping corn chips into this Guac. I felt overwhelmed with the desire to find a more noble application so I walked to Torres De Morelos on 31st & Powell, home of the best $1.50 tacos in Portland, and treated Boris’ special concoction to a dutifully spicy end.

You have created a monster, and it will destroy you!
(one lengua, one chorizo)
You have created a monster, and it will destroy you!

Up Next: I’m working on a long thing about what baseball and canned seafood have in common.

start with a rutabaga

On By Emily KeithIn EK, in the kitchen, The In Season WeeklyLeave a comment
just one small tuber
one small tuber

Every week I get a new copy of NYMag. No, not the refined New Yorker, I’m talking about the often lowbrow and super slick NYMag. There is always an “In Season” recipe in the ‘strategist‘ section that highlights seasonal vegetable recipes from who I assume are reputable authors /chefs of perhaps popular cookbooks/restaurants. I’ve subscribed to this weekly for the past 6 years and never made a single recipe.

Welcome to the awkward dystopian future wherein I will make, to OCD precision, the In Season recipe EVERY WEEK.

This project is an effort to return to my kitchen, I’ve been conspicuously absent from that special fourth room of my apartment. I made champagne jello shots in there at the beginning of the year, they were awful. More recently I discovered these great dehydrated packets of congee so I’ve boiled some water for those, once I cracked an egg into the mix for protein – living large! A few weeks ago I saw some crab cakes on sale and those seemed like a good idea so I put them in the oven and forgot about them. I sent the remnants to NASA because I burned those suckers so badly I think they formed  a new space mineral.

This week the In Season recipe is from “Vegetable Literacy” by Deborah Madison. I know nothing about the book but it’d better be amazing because  Ten Speed Press is asking $40.00 American Dollars per retail copy.

peel the rutabaga with a pairing knife until you have a glowing white orb before you.
peel the rutabaga with a pairing knife until you have a glowing white orb before you.

(That’s my grandmother’s egg-timer next to my bamboo French pepper-mill which was a gift from my Dad. They are in most of the photographs from my kitchen because they are my prized possessions and I like how they look.)

slice the orb into half-inch batons.
slice the orb into half-inch batons.
sunflower seed oil, teaspoon of sea salt, tsp. of caraway seeds, tsp. of paprika
2 tbs. sunflower seed oil, tsp. of sea salt, tsp. of caraway seeds, tsp. of paprika

I recently purchased those measuring spoons at anthropologie while verbally and audibly admonishing myself for doing so. They are ridiculous. I’ve wanted a set for years.

toss everything together and spread on a baking sheet
toss everything together and spread on a baking sheet

Bake at 400 degrees. The recipe doesn’t specify the time so I paced around and peeked in every 3 to 4 minutes which worked well because I actually can’t sit down due to some extremely rigorous barre3 “seat work” that Wise Woman and I subjected ourselves to yesterday. Pain and agony. See also: torture.

halfway there! push yourself! you have 8 more lifetimes of this move!!
halfway there! push yourself! you have 8 more lifetimes of this move!!
plate, put a few glurps of katchup n a fetching tea vessel. enjoy hot.
plate, put a few glurps of ketchup in a fetching tea vessel. enjoy hot.

I ate an entire rutabaga for dinner. Enjoyed these immensely. I’m looking forward to my In Season Weekly Posts. In fact, I received last week’s NYMag today (which is ahead of schedule when your weekly is published in NY and shipped to you by a fulfillment corporation in Florida.)

How do you feel about a future involving Calliope’s Spicy Marinated Mackerel With Avocado? I feel really good about it.

the people’s republic of pickle

On By Emily KeithIn Anosmia, i have really talented friends, in the kitchen, Portland, take a deep breath and make a fucking sandwichLeave a comment

Back in time: October 22nd, 2012 the NYTimes published an article detailing the merits of a peanut butter and pickle sandwich. On the same day, 3000 miles West of Midtown, I tasted the first talisman of a brine-in-progress.

Eleusinian Mysteries
Eleusinian Mysteries

Please understand, my people put up pickles. My Pop laid a heavy ceramic plate over his endless crock of bread & butters all the years I was blessed with his presence. Every year I grew stronger, the lid was easier to raise.  His old vessel is now an heirloom.

Apollo's Light
Apollo’s Light

I have  tested many iterations of the October 22nd NYTimes sandwich including Hemingway’s preferred combo of peanut butter, mayonnaise, olives, and raw onions (one of the many reasons he is My Man, I never smell his breath.)

Persephone and Despoina
Persephone and Despoina

I originally intended to write this post as part of my ‘take a deep breath and make a  _________  sandwich’ series but life moves quickly and now I am more preoccupied with the concept of Taking Care. Put care into people, put care into food. The young pickle you taste-test in October will live to win an award next February. Your friends are your ancestors, your creator.

The Hyperboreans
The Hyperboreans

Wise Woman Wins Perfect Pickle 2013.